Seeing Him Through My Eyes
by Megwill
Summary: "My mom knows a life I've never known. She still floats along the past pulling her to the future and the future pulling her to the past and yesterdays. She is stuck in a limbo all of her own, she never knows where she is only that my dad is not."


I'm use to it for it's the only life I've known, you may ask what I'm use to and what I speak of. I'm fifteen now and my dad died before I met him, I had to grow up fast. There aren't many fun and games for me for I play a game called life. I try not to think about my life and block it all out, why not? I mean that's what she does, she being my mom.

She still isn't use to it, although it's been almost sixteen years. I guess it's because she knows a better life, a life I've never known. She still floats along the past pulling her to the future to tomorrow and the future pulling her to the past and yesterdays. She is stuck in a limbo all of her own, she never knows where she is and she doesn't care either. She just knows that he is not here.

I wonder and wander not trying to understand anymore all I know is for certain I learned through Auntie Angela, Uncle Jack, Cam and the rest of the team. I know how to stay alive is what I know. I know to let her be that her heart has and probably never will scare over but continually bleed, draining her daily.

I wish someone could see him, try to know him through my eyes. The closest I can get to him is Auntie, and the team. Yet, they don't even know him, not like she does and mom won't speak of him. Auntie Angela told me it was a night fire fight, the chopper had a hard time seeing where was a safe zone even with the colored light they threw out and light the ground. It was hard for the chopper to find all the wounded so quickly. Dad liked to be the hero.

Trying to know my father is like putting together a puzzle. I'm trying to create a whole, when the pieces are not only hard to find, but are scattered throughout the world. I see him through other people's eyes and I feel him through hers through hers is the easiest and at the same time the hardest way. Even though I am his and hers I sometimes feel I am intruding when I look at her and she has that look. The look that everyone knows she is thinking of him, eyes that are haunting.

He just means, not meant. For meant is past tense, so much to her. I try to piece him together piece him together through the team, Uncle Jared, Grandpa Max, and their stories of him. Pops dad's grandpa who raised him passed when I was three so I don't remember him. I know I'm not supposes to ask questions, but how could I not? People I bump into at mom's work always look at me just a little funny and stare.

Though, I'm use to it for it's all I've ever known, supposedly I look just like him more so than my half brother Parker. I don't see him much Parker moved up North with Rebecca not long after our dad passed. While I have more family here Parker didn't, he had a step-dad and his mom up North. I think he may marry the girl he is with now, they seem a good match to me.

I really try not to ask too many questions of the past and my father, but every now and then I will ask someone something that has worked at the Jeffersonian a while. I look at them almost pleading and they will tell me some things, depending on who it is. I gain another piece to my puzzle. I know they all feel sorry for me others are almost scared of me and still some are just plain curious, yet keep their curiosity quiet.

Though, most are nosy keeping quiet like the curious ones just passing me by with their looks. Most say I look like him, others say I look like her. Though, supposedly I act like both of them I don't think I act much like her or anyone I know for that matter. Who knows?

I like Auntie because I can talk to her, but the conversation has to start just right and end right. I have to make sure we haven't crossed some red line. The times I like and hate the most are when I talk to her. Though, in life she floats around drawbridge up, so no one can cross the mote of blood that drains slowly from inside her walls. Sometimes, just sometimes she lowers the bridge allowing me a mere glimpse inside her heart, a glimpse of him-of her world.

I want to know so much and I think I can handle it block it out just as she does, then I will overhear something and have to rearrange my whole puzzle. My confidence to ask anyone, never mind her has to be rebuilt.

As she floats farther and farther away I want to know how he makes her act the way she does. I want to know why she loves him so much I just want to know him. Though, for the most part my questions go on ignored and unanswered. Sometimes I'm mad at him, not so much because he died leaving us, but because he took her heart with him when he went.

Freedom is not free-my dad died for us and he didn't think twice about it, nor did his comrades. Someone always pays a price, he did, Uncle Jared lost a brother, mom lost her heart, Parker lost a father, and I never got to know one.

Someone once said he died for us to my face he died for you and me. They didn't know who I was they were just speaking of "Dr. Brennan's old partner." I look at them and flash a smile quickly looking to the ground. I felt like _great_ if I never existed none of this would have happened, though I know that's a completely irrational thought.

Though, if she didn't have me if it was just her maybe it may just be possible that she wouldn't be on the verge of insanity, death, state of shock, all from a crushed, torn, and shattered heart. She and I are desperate for changes, maybe even hope?

I'm starving for the truth of him and every day I search for another piece of the puzzle hope I may find one. For mom and I are both incomplete beings, we're two halves of a whole, if that makes sense. For she is marked a scar that won't heal, she doesn't have him.

As for me I am living and feeling some of what she feels, every now and then. Though, I don't know like she what was he like? What were some of his little habits? How did he make you feel when you were around him? What were you like when he was alive? How would he have felt about me? Everyone says he would have loved me. I just nod flash a smile while I wonder and wander. She says he loves me and he does too. Happy and overjoyed I brought them closer together in a sense.

I at least believe that about two years ago I went to the Bureau I was only thirteen mom didn't know I was there she was at Tenh Penh right down the road having lunch with her Publisher and I was board. The Bureau is only a block away so I went for a walk. I managed to mingle into one of the Hoover buildings tours to pass time. As I walked down the corridor I noticed two men looking at me oddly. I looked closer at their tags one said Hacker the other Cullen. They were eyeing me with _that look_ finally Cullen came up to me. He kind of pulled me aside from the group. "Hey, kid what's your name? You look like someone that use to work for me." I looked at the group then to him, he looked safe enough.

"Joseph William Booth, just call me Joey." Cullen smile and extend his hand I took it as the other man walk up. "Did you know my dad Seeley Booth? Is that who use to work for you?"

"It's nice to meet you Joey and yes I knew your father and I know your mother." I was intrigued and let the group wander out of my sight. I proceeded to question him and see how well he really knew him and her. I found out that they both knew my father and mother.

This time it was Agent Hacker who spoke. "It's nice to meet you Joey. Your dad was a great man he really loved your mother."

Cullen chuckle "Yeah, Booth was always a step ahead it seemed but couldn't move without her."

"You think?" Hacker countered. "I always thought she was the quicker witted of the two."

"She is smart there is no denying that, but come on Andrew he was F.B.I she is a squint."

"Yes, which is why she would have been a step ahead, she had the forensics he did the field work."

I watched as they argued over who was the leading half of the whole and decided to end it.

"How well did you know him Agent Hacker?"

"I was his superior and Agent Cullen is my superior."

Well, you already said he worked for you genius. I'm thirteen not three. "Yes I understand, I meant personally."

The two men were quiet a moment. Hacker went on slowly the tone of his voice had changed lowered a bit more serious. "I had a date with your mother once before they were together…" What he said didn't faze me I never knew my father anyway. I could tell it definitely fazed him because he was uncomfortable speaking of the subject.

"It was evident your dad loved her then and even that she loved him. That was, what over…how old are you Joey?"

"Thirteen."

"Wow, that was over fifteen years ago."

"How did you know he loved her?" Both men chuckle lightly.

Hacker answer again "In the way he would look at her. It wasn't just him either she would look at him too with longing. They had an unspoken language that existed only between the two of them."

"He took a bullet for her too." Cullen piped up.

"What?"

"I thought you would have known about that?" Hacker

I shook my head while I said no. "I don't know much about him…about either of them."

"Yeah, the crazy lady from a case wanted to kill your mom. So, she tried to shoot her, but your dad jumped up taking the bullet in the shoulder." Cullen said.

Hacker went on "Yeah, even to the crazy lady it was evident he looked at her in a way that was more of a friend, more than just partners."

Cullen jumped ahead to another case. "I sent them to Vegas once, they went undercover as a couple, they did that twice actually." He chuckle. "They pulled it off well."

Hacker spoke up now "He was very protective of her. Over the years a strong solid relationship built on friendship was formed and that is the best kind." This may seem like a lot of information for some for a thirteen year old, but they hadn't seen the world through my eyes. They didn't have my mom as a mom and I loved these guys right now as they spoke more openly then even Auntie of my dad.

Cullen spoke again "Walk with us Joey." I step into the elevator as it started its descent to the first floor.

"So, Joey…" Hacker pry now and I didn't mind. "…how is your mom?"

I sighed. "Not good. She acts fine, but she…"

"Misses him?" Cullen finished my sentence.

I turn and look up at him "More than we will ever know." It was my time to question now. "So, Agent Hacker what was my dad like? His personality and how he acted."

"You really don't know much do you Joey?" Cullen spoke again.

"No, mom doesn't like to talk of him and my step brother Parker moved shortly after I was a year old. Auntie Angela and Uncle Jack get all quiet and squeamish as if talking of him is a taboo topic. Cam sometimes does, talk of him to me that is. She is the pathologist at my mom's work."

Cullen went on "Well Joey, your dad was goofy, protective of your brother I remember one case where your step brother was in danger. Your dad was very protective of his loved ones, he loved your brother I know that so I know he loves you."

Now it was Hackers turn "They really had something special those two did, I could see it even when I went on a date with her. I gave her a stupid mixed tape and he gave her his heart."

I looked down for a second as the elevator doors open and the three of us step out. "I know he did, she returned the gift that's what's wrong with her…" I face the men as they wait on me speaking, we are stopped I have to leave and they have to go down another corridor. "…she gave her heart away and she isn't getting it back-it died with him. Now she just is, I don't know her don't know how she use to be."

"She was happy kid he made her smile made her eyes sparkle like no one else." Hacker

"See, Agent Hacker that's the thing I won't ever know those eyes."

Hacker chuckle lightly. "No one ever did Joey, nobody except your dad. We haven't seen anything you haven't."

"You saw both of them together saw her smile you got to see her laugh, I haven't." It was then they realized how "not good" my mom really was without him.

Hacker started to rattle facts off "Hot Blooded, she liked that song for some reason turned it up when it came on in the car, your dad wore striped socks always and a red cocky belt buckle, I don't know why." I smile almost wryly or bittersweet.

"She switches the station when that song comes on now. It probably had something to do with Dad."

Now it was Cullen's turn. "He hated clowns, it's in his file he shot a fake ice cream truck clown head out of anger and had to go to mandatory appointments with a psychologist. He broke out of the hospital to save and find your mother and he loved you know he loved you kid. We have to go it was nice meeting you Joey. Stop by anytime if you want to see the building, you are a Booth."

As they walk off I heard Hacker whisper to Cullen "It's scary how much he looks like him, poor Tempe." I sigh and turn to walk out of the building back to Tenh Penh. Another clue to the puzzle, another piece found. I know I will never fully understand the answers I seek about him. I haven't got it all figured out yet, but I'm not giving up. I will try to find a way to know him through others eyes as I wonder and wander in this life of mine, as does she.

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Review? I kind of wonder what your thoughts are on the Cullen and Hacker talk with Joseph "Joey" idk if you have time. Thx hope you enjoyed.


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